Why Do People Behave the Way They Do?

Have you ever found yourself questioning why someone behaves in a certain way? Why they do things that don't seem to make sense, cause problems, or seem destructive? Have you struggled to understand why your kids or your partner or your coworker or even strangers make the decisions they do?

Maybe the person you're struggling to understand is yourself. Discrepancies between what we want and what we do come up all the time. We want to be productive but end up watching Netflix. We want to be healthy but eat junk. We want to be loving but end up yelling. 

It can be mind boggling to understand - and ultimately change - behaviors. 

Understanding Behavior

Behaviors don't always make logical sense on a surface level, but people do things because it works for them in some way, even if it's just in the short-term.

If you can adjust the way you think about behavior, things will start to fall in to place. You have to learn to view behaviors in terms of their context and function. 

The context means the environment, situation, or circumstances in which the behavior tends to occur. Think triggers or cues. You may notice that you behave in certain ways in one situation but not another (like a child who is well-behaved at school but not at home, an adult who is very assertive with family but tends to be passive at work). Understanding the context in which behaviors do and don't occur can be helpful, especially when it comes to changing that behavior. 

To truly understand a behavior, though, you also have to figure out its function. The function is its purpose - what the behavior gets you or get you out of.

For example, your kid screams, "I hate you." That's hurtful to hear, for sure, but don't take it at face value. Your kid, most likely, does not hate you. That verbal behavior has a function, a purpose. When did your child scream that? When they were in trouble or you were setting a limit? What do you think your child was trying to get (their way) or get out of (trouble)?

Sticking with kids. You tell yours to be quiet while you're on the phone...and they start tugging on your arm, messing with things they aren't supposed to, and being loud. Before you entertain thoughts that you're a bad parent or your child is a tiny terrorist, think like a behaviorist. What's the function? What are these behaviors designed to get them? Your attention. And guess what. When you pause your conversation to tell your kid to knock it off, what are they getting? Your attention. Their behavior works for them.

Ever interact with someone who always has to right? The behaviors that go along with that might be things like proving others wrong, defending, rehashing interactions, persisting with an argument until they hear, "Fine! You're right!" The function or purpose of these behaviors? It might be to provide the satisfaction of being right (that's enjoyable, right?). It might also be to avoid the anxiety or shame that comes with being wrong (some people experience that very intensely while others are unfazed by it). In this case, this behavior is what I call a double whammy - it both gets something desirable and gets rid of something undesirable.

How about this one. You want to get in shape, you truly absolutely do, but you find yourself putting off exercising, perhaps because you are too busy with work or perhaps because it's hard and you don't enjoy it. What does this avoidance get you or get you out of? You get to avoid the energy exertion and effort it takes to exercise (our brains are great at making convincing excuses to avoid things that are hard, boring, or uncomfortable). Alternatively, maybe you're avoiding criticism from your boss by trying to work more hours. It's not enough to simply look at the behavior. We have to look at the motives behind the behavior. 

Avoidance Drives a lot of Behavior 

Avoidance is such a powerful motivator because we get relief when we avoid or escape something unpleasant, difficult, or uncomfortable. That said, avoidance can be easy to miss because it comes in sneaky forms. Behaviors that don't necessarily look like avoidance can actually still have that function. Here are some examples:

• Posting on social media to get likes...to avoid feelings of insecurity
• Yelling at your partner...because anger is easier to feel than vulnerability or hurt (so diving into anger avoids more painful feelings)
• Cleaning your house top to bottom before family comes to visit...to avoid perceived judgment
• Trying to do everything yourself (not asking for help)...to avoid feeling guilty or like a burden

The common thread here is that many of the things we do are designed to help us avoid internal experiences, not external ones. 

Behavior Chain Analysis: Dissecting Behaviors

Using a tool called Behavior Chain Analysis can help you understand the function and context of behaviors, both yours and others'. A Behavior Chain Analysis helps you look at the things that come before and after a behavior so you can put it context and understand its purpose. The simplest way to do this is to note the ABCs.

A = Antecedent (What comes before the behavior? Think of this like the trigger, the environment or situation, or what's going on before the behavior happens.)

B = Behavior (This is the action you're trying to understand.)

C = Consequences (What happens after the behavior? What does the behavior lead to? How do others respond? This is where we're really getting into what the behavior gets them or gets them out of.)

When it comes to understanding your own behavior, you have a lot more information to consider because you have the inside scoop. You are privy to the thoughts, feelings, urges, cravings, and sensations that come up on the inside that might be related to that behavior. You can include those in your chain analysis by adding some extra links. Consider all of the outside and inside things that lead up to the behavior. Then consider all of the inside and outside consequences that follow the behavior. 

It can be hard enough to uncover the inside scoop for ourselves, let alone when it comes to understanding someone else's behavior. Keeping that in mind, though, can be really helpful. Ask yourself, what difficult or painful thoughts or feelings might they be trying to avoid or get rid of? That might shed some light on why those actions make sense...even when they don't seem to on the surface.

Changing Behaviors

It takes practice to be able to break down a behavior chain, but the insights that come from it can be quite helpful. You can use this information to start to change not only the behavior itself, but the context and the function of that behavior, which will make it easier to be successful. 

For example, periodically paying attention to your child when they are being well-behaved while you're on the phone might have a positive impact on their behavior because they are getting attention for prosocial behaviors instead of disruptive ones.

Another example: taking exercise clothes to the office may help increase the likelihood of actually getting in a workout by changing the context - you are now making the decision whether to exercise or not while at the office rather than while on the couch watching Netflix.

Improving Relationships by Understanding Others' Motives 

When it comes to trying to understand your own or someone else's behavior, check yourself before you start attributing it to character - they're lazy or inconsiderate or I'm weak - or taking it personally - they're disrespectful or they don't care about me. Instead, do a Behavior Chain Analysis.

Consider how your new understanding of behavior might impact your important relationships. How much tension or conflict could be eliminated if you had a better, more compassionate understanding of why people did things you don't like (it's not because they don't care but because it works for them in some way)? Armed with that new understanding, how might you approach the conversation of change? It now becomes an opportunity to be creative and collaborative rather than a need to demand respect or care. 

I hope this demystifies some behaviors for you.