Let's Talk About Freedom and Choice

The idea of our freedoms being limited and choices being restricted is upsetting, and we have a long history of fighting for freedoms - of religion, to vote, to desegregate, to marry who we choose. Yet, when I stop to look around and really consider freedom, I see some other ways we are inhibited without even really noticing. 

We Are a Prisoner of Our Minds

At Peak Mind, we love to say that your mind can be your most valuable asset or your biggest barrier. This is one of those times when they can be a real barrier. Our thoughts and our feelings - products of our minds - can hold us back and keep us from being truly free. 

Our minds limit our freedoms, especially if we are not aware of what is happening. Our beliefs become rules that tell us how to behave in any number of contexts. Similarly our feelings drive us to act in certain ways, or our desire to avoid feeling certain things can hinder us. Our beliefs and our feelings can dictate our choices and keep us stuck if we're not careful. Our fears keep us from being free if we let them. 

For example, how many of us are imprisoned by others' thoughts? Or, more aptly, our assumptions about and fear of their thoughts. We do - or don't do - things based on how we anticipate others will respond. We hide or suppress aspects of ourselves in order to fit in, be accepted, get promoted, and to keep the peace. We are afraid of being shunned or rejected, of being the source of another's distress or displeasure, and that can keep us from being free. 

Similarly, our worry that our Future Self will suffer or have regrets can keep us from doing the things we want to do. Our predictions about the future can hold us hostage and limit our freedom as can our sense of obligation to others and to ourselves. 

So while laws are changing and external forces may legitimately be restricting freedoms, it is also important to consider how our minds may be getting in our way as well. We may not have the ability or the power to change those external forces yet, but we can choose to build the psychological strength necessary to break free from the prisons created by our minds.

But Is Freedom Always A Good Thing? 

If someone asked me if choice is a good thing, my knee-jerk reaction would be a resounding, "YES!" Ditto about freedom. 

Yet, there's a downside that comes with both.

The Paradox of Choice

We believe that choice is a good thing, and perhaps it is to a certain extent. But have you ever found yourself overwhelmed with the vast selection of available items when you're online shopping or looking for a flight or standing in the grocery store aisle trying to find a spaghetti sauce? 

When we have too many choice, we get overwhelmed. We have difficulty deciding. And, ultimately, we are less satisfied with our choice...no matter what we pick. 

That's right. Clever researchers have discovered that when we are presented with a lot of choices, while we believe that it is good for us, we are less happy with our choice, regardless of what we choose, compared to when our choices are limited. That means that our brains tell us that choice is good. The more options the better. Then they get disgruntled when we actually have a lot of choices. 

With Freedom Comes Responsibility

I was talking with Mel, the woman who cuts my hair, yesterday about life changes and choices that we're both facing. At one point she commented on how much easier it is to deal with things that are thrown at you than to take the leap of faith on your own. For example, moving because your company transfers you can be easier than making the choice to up and move on your own with no external push.

Now don't get me wrong, the past two years have shown just how difficult it can be to be adaptive and resilient in the face of life's curveballs, but that might be a different kind of strength than the one required to take charge, take a risk, leap, and trust that your Future Self can be resilient enough to handle it. 

It got me thinking about why. Why is it easier to be reactive than proactive sometimes? I think it's because taking the leap of faith puts the responsibility for the outcome firmly on my shoulders. There's no easy out to pass the buck. There's no one else to blame, and it turns out that can be scary.

I was talking to a friend of mine a few days ago, sharing a big decision I recently made. "Who are you justifying this to?" she asked. Her gentle question made me realize that I was over-explaining why it's ok for me to make this decision. I felt the need to justify it to both of us. I was trying to convince myself more than anyone that I was making a smart choice - or that I actually have to make this choice, that I'm more or less being pushed into it - and that somehow making a change in my life simply because I wanted to didn't feel like enough of a reason. I felt like I needed to have rational, inarguable reasons to back it. (It is awesome to have friends who are also therapists, by the way.) I also realized that I was afraid that Future Ashley would look back on this moment and judge it as a bad choice. It was freeing to realize what was going on and to give myself permission to be a little more playful with life.

Make Good Choices

Maybe it's a Southern thing like "bless your heart," but the refrain "make good choices" is one that I've heard more times than I can count. Yes, on the surface, it sounds like sage advice. But is it? 

Maybe this is why I feel so anxious about proactively making big choices in life for no reason other than I want to. Because if it doesn't work out well, then that means I made a bad choice? I failed in some way? I'm not sure that really holds, though. Sometimes bad choices are excellent teachers or sources of growth or, at a minimum, an entertaining story to tell...

Bottom Line

So what if we shed our fears or at least stopped letting them hold us back? What if we broke free from limiting beliefs? What if we made courageous choices and responded with compassion, to ourselves and to others? What if we understood our brain's glitches and strived to override them? What if we had the psychological strength to be free from our mind's tyranny?